I love her.. i really do...
so much that it hurts.....
i love you so much... that is why i sometimes desire to smash you to bit..
but no .. i dun wanna smash u anyway..
---------------------------------------------------------------
this WILL END THIS WEEK...
i cannot take it anymore..
being unable to move for 10 minutes just now was more than enough...
shit....
i cant be like that...
i dont want to feel that way again....
and i wont let ppl see me like that.....
ill have to put up my strong face again...
---------------------------------------------------
its kinda hard to do so...
11 days of not eating..... im going to die...
i hope not
---------------------------------------------------
ive always thought that saying goodbye was the best answer..
but i never realised...
it would hurt this much......
i love her so much....
that it hurts... so bad...
what hurts most is that ...
she is giving me what ive always wanted..
for her to not talk to me...
but no...
this is not what i want at all....
please.. not this way........................
---------------------------------------------------------------------
this is fine....
just as it is... no... its not fine...
say goodbye properly...
please....
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[I spoke my feelings to the flower,
I never intended to hurt the world...
So, if no one ever asked...
then, does that mean you can do as you desire?]

It was more fun... when i was called Father Lawrence...
its no fun anymore....
cos during that time..
it was all good...
all the fun and games and all ...
instead of being called Dean...
when did it change?
i thought everyone called me FL..
well only you did SK.... hahhaa... ok Xing too...
dunno why... but it seemed weird in a nice kind of way when i heard them call me FL...
------------------------------------------------------------
the current situation now...
there barely seems to be anything left...
all those feelings are gone...
i cant think of anything now...
what happened..
--------------------------------------------------------------
this rumbling in my tummy from not eating for 8 days ... has got to stop...
it hurts too much....
i figured out a way to get SOME food in me.. but ... its a lose lose situation..
u know when i eat it straight away comes back out... but hey guess what, i decided that since its gonna come out anyway.. i said screw it ... ill just eat it all and throw up in a bit...
i'll only do it at home though since it'd be gross and a drag to clean up if i were outside not to mention the smell...
im really tired now hahahha...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I don't want to be angry anymore...
Please.... help me find some peace... by telling me what is happening...
then finally i can sleep.... forever...

Pisces

what would you change..... if you could go back into the past....?
i dont know....
i rather not change anything,
though i would like to go back so that i could say the right things...
to the people that needed it at that time...
really i wouldn't change anything....
it would be 'cheapen-ing' all the events that people went thru
if we would just be able to go back and change things...
no..... so yeah... i would change nothing....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been trying to recall to see if I had done something wrong a week ago...
i wonder....
a week ago.... where was i .. oh yeah in a movie theatre...
after that we moved on to the thingy....
yeah ....
maybe thats where it all changed?
but why?!?!?!?!
what exactly happened....
i havent been able to eat at all....
if i try.. it comes back up the way it came in... lol...
its already been 7 days... since i ate anything....
7 days.... and a few hours...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what could be wrong?
maybe... she has sth against ppl that smoke? maybe? i dunno...
but .... sigh.. i dunno....
what what what.. i have to talk to her....
as soon as she gives the go ahead....
i am LDeZaNH
---------------------------------------------------
my heart hurts everytime...
cos i dunno why...
everytime i think about how...
no... this should be kept in my heart...
.......... its not like i own anyone...and no .... ARGH
.... i dont know.... my heart... hurts everytime i think of her...
i hurt...
it overpowers the hunger im facing......
-----------------------------------------------------
power.... is not necessary here...
i cant beat up anyone to solve this problem
------------------------------------------------------
i wonder.... what it'll take to resolve this matter...
she requires time...
i cant do anything else for now...
for now...
starve you loser named dean

So yeah... its been a long while since i've had a REAL meal....
I'm so darn tired and hungry....
but .... food just doesn't want to stay down....
HELP ME... please....
-------------------------------------------
ducky called me ytd night.. while i was walking around my neighbourhood...
fierce sia she ... ban me from smoking lololololol....
"i suppose the cause of it is the solution"
yes ducky.... i do know the cause of it....
and yes like i said.. "im screwed then"....
-------------------------------------------
i've been getting really good advice from ppl younger than me...
seriously...
Been Around the world so many times
If Only you could see my mind,
I watched my secret heaven turn to hell...
Faith alone has guided me,
All the things i put me through
I wouldn't wish my head on you
You'll never know what's going on inside
Just another lonely broken hero,
Running out of faith and open reason,
I'm running out of time
what does this mean? it just means that i dont wanna burden other people with my problems.....
u know... if u trouble your friends with your problems,
soon enough you wont have any...
i dont want to say goodbye....
to ANY of them... choir ppl.... new friends.... CO ppl...
i dont want to say goodbye....
after i lost Sierra,..... i couldn't take it anymore...
well for one ... cos i was the one that made her go away forever....
-------------------------------------------------
i never wanted to open my heart up to anyone...
i never wanted to share any of my feelings....
but why...... why ....
THAT NIGHT...
why.... i must have snapped........
why.... it wasn't supposed to be that way......
my feelings for you.. should never have been known....
for her sake it should have been secret.....
but.. the past cannot be changed...
what has been done .. cannot be undone....
---------------------------------------------------
for now, as she requests for more time...
ill have to give it to her...
cos i have no idea what is going on....
its affecting her too ....
thats what she said...
but what is it?
i have no idea..........
im kinda confused....
for now..... ill just have to deal with the hunger....
its not like i can do anything about it..
since the only things that stay down are... Redbull and Plain Water...
sigh.....
i hope.... i get better...
Bit said its all in my head.....
i think so too...
but i guess it seems that my head is stronger than my body...
--------------------------------------------------
if u are starving, do not go to sg river, you'll imagine SEAFOOD floating on the water... hahahhaa XD

Today i went EVERYwhere...
reached skool at 930....
then i walked to bus stop....
took mrt to Ctown....... it was really quite confusing at first... but got better as i walked...
but lemme tell u this.. walking on a 2+ day empty stomach.. is not a good idea...
ok so i walked and walked and walked.....
i saw that chicken place that i sooo wanted to eat at ... but i couldnt .. cos i didnt have the appetite.... so yeah had to give it a miss.....
walked around looking for a bus to get somewhere... decided to take mrt to City hall...
and i did...... walked thru Citylink... saw ZN... then walked to suntec... looked around...
oh yeah i sms-ed alot of ppl today....
ducky... helped me out.... alot today... (more on this later)
asked ducky abt a present thing ... when i was walking around Marina Sq
Ctown (2 hours +++++) --> CityHall -> Citylink -> Suntec -> Marina Sq -> 133 -> AMK hub -> skool
ok so yeah... i think i wasted alot of energy today......
sigh....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
after choir, i returned $10 that i owed to ducky...
then from this ... stemmed a huge problem... which of course started with me...
sigh... it seems that i cant keep my thoughts straight..
i feel so helpless when i dont understand things affecting me...
Please forgive me for venting on you....
and no i never thought of u as a messenger... i never used u for it....
i never asked u to tell her anything....
i always sent stuff directly to her...
im sorry...
ok u dont care....

Ytd was a LONG day............... seriously VERY LONG....
woke up early... VERY EARLY...
finished packing my bag at about 2pm..
had to go AMK for a bit for a meeting with a client damn tiring can?
lol ducky is so lame... haha she didnt wanna give me zeke's hp no. cos i said i wanted to stalk him -_-"" lololol....
ok ... so the meeting ended at 5pm.. it was successful to say the list... hehe...
then i slowly walk to the mrt station ask the person at the CR where some buses were.. in the end, i took mrt to somerset.....
wooots.... walked SLOWLY from somerset mrt..... VERY SLOWLY... reached PS after walking for about 15 mins i think.... lol .... then i walked around PS... looking at stores for stuff..... and all that kinda stuff.... wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ok blah blah blah.... saw curt... then i went with him to the PH...ok then saw them all ze... woots.. hahaha.... ok give things.. blah blah movie.... play.... nua HOME... ok thats all...
...................................................................................................
NOW TELL ME....
what is the use of knowing 100 stances, having amazing reflexes, being able to read other people's actions, having great evasion skills, being able to deflect/absorb hits and shrug them off as if they were nothing..... sigh...
i always knew that my kind of strength was useless in this time....
but yesterday, i came to a realisation.... that it is USELESS...
i finally actually understood the power is useless...
but that doesnt mean that im going to forsake it.....
somehow it will help in one way or another....
i think... but....
knowing to utilise pressure point strikes or focal point techs...
really is useless... bcos ... NONE of the things i know how to do...
was able to help at ALL.....
i was born in the wrong era..... this isnt my time.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------
8:53pm
havent had the appetite to eat since morning....
havent had anything to eat... just occasional drinks of cold water.....
sigh... shit.... im hungry but no appetite how?!?!!?!?

I don't know what's going to happen now....
My head is like all over the place now....
I'm still wondering if Kid is doing ok...
After what happened...
No matter what Kid is still human
even though she might be Sierra's sister,
she's still just a little kid...
she shouldnt have had to go thru that...
over the past years.. it seems that she has forgiven me
that was a big step forward....
but i will never forgive myself for what happened....
i've already booked my place in hell.
anyone wanna join me?
hey no i wont give up on life...
there are many challenges to overcome!
------------------------------------------------
once again...
Thanks SK
for ending the dream.....
it was a もちづき (full moon) that night...

what happened... that night was truly really unintentional......
wait ok no that line was wrong..
what i meant to say was....
hmm i dunno....
ok i lost my train of thought... shit...
its just that.... hmmm what again...
.............................
maybe it was unintentional.. but
that night.... it ended the dream...
to top all off.. the picture that you took...
really did end the dream for me....
maybe after that picture, i woke up... from the dream...
------------------------
i can't do anything...
and nothing can be done...
the world is like that....
it'd take too much effort...
and no one SHOULD have to go thru sth like that for another person..
no matter how much u love him/her...
--------------------------
now that the dream has ended... what now?
...............................
its not that hmm i dunno!!!! ARGH!!!
(all the lines are taken directly from my head... im not filtering any of it)
i ... i ... hmm.. let see...
everyone knows i dun hug people randomly....
what are you doing!?!?
every hug i give ... it has its own meaning...
i can't really tell people how i really feel without physical contact...
why do you think i dont talk much to people...
because... some emotions can only be conveyed through touch...
memories...  havent u ever wondered... how ....
how are we supposed to actually SHARE memories?!??!?!
memories... arent those things in photographs that you can show other people..
what makes them memories are the FEELINGS in between those images...
only you and the people around you at that time are able to feel it...
and then there are people who think the WORLD of a certain event and some people who just go "oh yeah ok yeah i remember that happened... so?"
hahaha oh well...
you know.... u forgot to regard HER feelings....
now you tell me?? but .... but.....
no excuses... YOU TOTALLY DISREGARDED HER FEELINGS
YOU NEVER BOTHERED TO ASK DID YOU...
LIKE WHAT DID SHE TRULY WANT...
YOU JUST FORCED ALL YOUR IDEALS ONTO HER...
YOU worthless waste of food...
NO ... THATS NOT IT AT ALL....
argh..
.............................
its not like a hug people just so that i can feel them close to me....
i'm not a pervert....
i don't go around RANDOMLY hugging people...
hey i dont have anything against ppl doing that...
its just me.....
i dunno... physical contact is ... i dunno to me.. it should be cherished...
maybe these are the words that i should have conveyed to her...
"its not that i WANTED to just be able to feel you in my arms....
i NEEDED you to be in my arms.... longing for years...
a dream... of holding you close...
however, i forgot to regard your feelings..... what if you didnt want any ....
i was selfish... only taking cos it was just there.....
NO! i didnt take it cos it was there!!!!
IT WAS BECAUSE IT WAS HER THAT I TOOK IT...
thats your excuse eh?
THAT IS NOT A EXCUSE.... those are my honshin (ほんしん) (true feelings)
I've always wondered what it would be like to hold her in my arms...
to have her close to me...
but not because it was probably the only chance i'd ever get...
i dont know how to put it in words...
maybe it really was... important that i did...
because of that , it ended the dream....
i always thought that for my dream to end,
she would have to slap me ...
but i guess the exact opposite of physical force was the true answer...
who would have known eh?
at least the dream has ended....
anyway its not like there'll be other dreams for me...
i've already given up...
she was the only one worth it...
(people would be thinking "yeah yeah whatever.. he'll be up in another girl's crib in no time")
we shall see.... this WILL BE the only time i ever bear my heart out to someone...
im really sure... because no matter what... no one can match up to her.... no one....
.................................................
The end of the dream
began when you took the picture...
And for that i thank you sk...
..................................................
It seems that the world doesnt really pick you up, crush you, shove you down its throat and spit you back out...
i thought the crashing, landing and burning would have been much worse...
instead thanks to sk... the landing was really soft.... its like she caught me when i fell ..haha omg now i owe her... -_-"" and i thought i was done with all my repayment of favours to IHL people... sigh... no......
she will always be worth it.... ok
maybe i should disregard all these repayments, all that i do from now on, come straight from my heart.....
...................................................
A smile... is all it takes... to hide ... it all...
....................................................

what.... happened... that night?
and after all the work we put into all our plans..
you just had to do it.. DIDNT YOU... WHY....
who knew the one with the most strength would be the biggest pushover infront of girls..
man....
-------------------------------------------------------
got back from camp early in the 'noon yesterday
it was tons of fun...
although i think i would have wanted to redo the Emotional String thing again though...
this time i'd thanked the correct person.....
-----------------------------------------------------
it's ok to cry?
or issit not ok?
i dun get it....
---------------------------------------------------
boku wa continue later ok deshi hehe